I hate, I want, I will

I started writing this as a huge complaint, but it sort of became my current life story and plans. I'm not sorry for what this blog post contains.

I hate living with my mother. I hate that I don't have my own home. I hate that I can't let my child roam free in our own living area. I hate that I'm stressed out all the time. I hate that I'm being emotionally abused and I can't do anything about it until at least February. I hate that I'm so stressed out that I can't get pregnant (we've been trying for almost a year). I hate that my mother is no longer my mother, but someone I am starting to hate. I hate that I can barely get through the day. I hate that I'm terrified of my mother yelling at me, or her telling me I'm not good enough, or that I'm parenting my own child wrong. I hate not having my own life. I hate that my husband has to put up with this. I hate that my mother treats us both like shit. I hate that I'm a negative person.

I want to live my own life. I want to leave my mother, and never see her again. I want to have more babies, when I want, where I want, how I want. I want my husband to be happy. I want to be happy. I want my baby to be able to go where he pleases, touch anything he wants, and do what he wants (within reason). I want to decorate my own house for the holidays. I want to make decisions without my mother giving her unsolicited negative opinion. I want to stop feeling bad about my body. I want to love myself for once. I want other people to love me. I want to stop caring about what others think. I want to stop being too tired to pick up my son when he cries. I want him to know he is loved.

I will make my own life. I will walk my own path. I will make sure my children feel loved and wanted. I will make sure my children know how much they are worth. I will love my husband for time and eternity. I will have more babies. I will parent the best way I know how. I will apologize when I am wrong. I will let my children be themselves and love them no matter what. I will stand up for what's right, even if I am standing alone. I will become a positive person.