Don't be careful!

I started NSTs on Thursday. I had another one on Monday. Baby passed the NST's really well, so that's good.

There was 1 deceleration (when baby's heart rate goes below the baseline. It can happen when baby is distressed, or when baby just kicks the cord, and it was the latter in our case, especially because baby is kind of a hyper kid haha) yesterday. The doctor on call wanted to do an AFI, which is an ultrasound to check amniotic fluid. I didn't mind; I love seeing my baby at anytime haha.

Fluid was almost exactly median, which is a good thing, it was perfect. Baby was also doing practice breathing (I think....baby was doing gulps and sucking their thumb...I think that counts as practice breathing...or it's at least a good sign that baby is healthy). It also looks like they might have hair!!! I saw it at the very end of the ultrasound, so I couldn't say "was that hair?" but I remember Emmalyn had some that looked similar and this baby had more, and I'm only 33 weeks!!

Anyway. The only thing I haven't liked about these NSTs so far, is that I've been considered "anxious" or possibly even "paranoid". Everyone is careful around me (letting me know several times during my NST that everything is fine, and that no one is dying, and no one is concerned, etc). It's actually really offensive; this isn't the kind of anxiety I have; in fact, the NSTs make me LESS anxious because I know if something goes wrong, or is going to, they'll catch it on the monitors, and it'll be fine.

What's offensive, is people being so careful, that they seem to be treating me like a child; I've done this 3 times before. When I was pregnant with Benjamin, the doctors were OVERLY concerned, in my opinion. They stopped my "preterm labor", even though every single one of my swabs and tests came back negative that I was actually in preterm labor. They didn't check my cervix (which I have now heard is a MUST before diagnosing preterm labor, and the cervix has to have changed for it to be true preterm labor). They put me on bed rest unnecessarily in my opinion. Looking back now, all of it was probably best for my mental health, because of how mentally rough my pregnancy was with Benjamin, but they were a little too concerned....

Now, for this pregnancy, everything seems to be following the same pattern as when I was pregnant with Benjamin; my Braxton Hicks contractions are a bit harder and more frequent than they have been (not time-able, and usually not painful, but they do get worse if I stand up, or have to pee. I'm peeing probably every two hours if not more often, just so that pressure isn't making me more uncomfortable). NOT ONE person/doctor/nurse is concerned, and because I personally keep asking if they're concerned, and telling them about my "symptoms", I'm 99% sure they've labelled me as "anxious" or "paranoid" in my charts. They're too careful around me for nothing to be written in my charts about my mental health....

I KNOW what "careful" is; when my dad died, everyone was careful. No one made fun of me, everyone was quiet when I entered a room, people asked me if I was doing well, people randomly hugged me, etc.

I remember the first week back to school after he died. One of the boys tried to do that tripping thing that wasn't actually supposed to trip you, but it actually did. I fell flat on my face haha. Everyone yelled at the guy who did it. I was embarrassed, but it was a good thing; it meant my life was going to go back to normal. I was going to be okay, because I could feel something other than nothing and sorrow.

Now, I HATE it when people are careful around me, making sure that my feelings aren't going to be hurt, or making sure I don't panic. To be honest, I'd rather have people be normal around me, give me bad news in a normal tone, and then let me process it by myself or with Jonathan. I ask millions of questions at doctor appointments so that I can make an informed decision, or realize how serious (or not) my problem is, not because I am scared or nervous. It makes it MORE shameful when I have an anxiety attack, when people are careful. It makes it more embarrassing because it makes me feel like I made you fail at what you were trying to do (which was to prevent me from crying or having a panic attack).

All I know, is that if I ever have any more babies, I won't be using the doctors I've been seeing. I'm either too anxious, or not anxious enough, and that tells them I have problems. Not exactly what I like in people taking care of me and my unborn child.


Just because I've been through hell and back and then some, doesn't mean I'm fragile or a ticking bomb about to explode at any moment. Yes, I have anxiety, but I'm doing well! I'm living my life the way I like, and I'm pretty healthy, even though I have a mental illness.