a mom with depression

So I'm almost 22 weeks pregnant (woo hoo!). The end is getting closer haha. I have a doctor's appointment today. I've been sucking at eating, so therefore, have not been able to get blood sugar numbers taken (except for my fasting haha).

I also know that I have depression. I got some kind of depression (not sure if it was post partum, or "just" regular, but either way I needed help). It wasn't the sad kind though. I was enraged all. the. time. I was irritated by the smallest little things. I had no patience for anyone. You might think that I just needed to learn patience. No. I was fine after I had Emmalyn. I was so caring and loving, and wasn't annoyed by anything, no matter how hard anyone tried. I had enough patience for like 5 or 6 children.

Benjamin's pregnancy was completely unexpected. I was literally devastated by being pregnant again so soon (Emmalyn was only 6-7 months old when I got pregnant with Benjamin). My world flipped upside down. We were starting to get to a place where I could take care of Emmalyn (she was super high needs as a baby), and Joey at the same time. I was finally able to shower weekly and actually get put together.
Benjamin's pregnancy was one of my hardest; I got big really fast, had GD like normal, but I got gestational hypertension. I was induced more than 2 weeks early, and had a "real" induction (Emmalyn's was only the cervix softening medicine). I had preterm labor with him, and I was on modified bedrest from 35 weeks on (which may not seem like a lot, but I had 2 other babies that needed me).

When Benjamin was about 9 or 10 months old, I finally had had enough of being angry and annoyed all the time. I was worried that my general practitioner was going to call CPS because I was so intensely angry. She just told me I had depression. I've had depression and anxiety before; I believed her, but didn't have a lot of hope as far as feeling better. Thankfully, I was wrong. I started Zoloft immediately, and wished I had said something MUCH sooner; I loved my kids again. I loved myself again. I had energy to do stuff!

I was still taking Zoloft when I got pregnant this time. I still took it, until about 6 weeks, and I had sudden chest pain. I thought it was just really bad heartburn until it started getting worse, and I eventually threw up. I never took Zoloft again, and haven't had that pain again. At my history appointment for this pregnancy, the nurse said I should have gone to the ER that night.

I've been off Zoloft (or any kind of antidepressant) since 6 weeks. Recently, I've started seeing the signs of the angry depression (as I call it), and I'm not waiting this time. I have a doctor appointment in a couple hours. I'm going to speak up, and hopefully won't have to fight to get on a safe medication. I don't do well with talk therapy (it takes to long to get to the root of why I'm there, and I don't have time for it. I also don't feel like I need it right now; I didn't need anything except the medication after Benjamin was born).

I'm struggling to come to terms with this might be our last baby. I don't want to be done. Depression isn't black and white like a physical illness or injury or limitation is. I need extra help sometimes, and I don't really have much support except from Jonathan. I know family and friends love me and us, but a lot of people don't seem to understand (at least, that's the way I see it). I want more kids. My family isn't exactly supportive of that, and other extended family members are too far to help. I don't make friends very easily haha.

I found this article today. I'm going to put my thoughts after the bolded reason. Even if you don't have depression, you still might relate to some of these.

14 Struggles Only Moms With Depression Will Understand
(original article here: http://www.redbookmag.com/life/mom-kids/a50260/moms-with-depression-struggles/)

1. Feeling like a flat-out failure as a mom. I know I fail my kids a lot. I scare the crap out of them a lot too. There are some days that they don't get lunch because I'm so tired. No, they're not starving, but they deserve better. I'm getting help today.

2. Only buying clothes that double as pajamas. I am currently wearing sweats that haven't been washed in several weeks, a non-maternity, non-cute t shirt, and no bra. This has been my wardrobe for the last few weeks.

3. Wanting to punch the next person who says, "You should be grateful for what you have." Amen. That is all.

4. Getting guilt-tripped by your kid's teacher. Well, my oldest still isn't in public school, and he may never be (he might be homeschooled). I've never gotten a guilt-trip from someone....

5. Dealing with mental illness a full-time job — except with no benefits, vacation, or salary. I'm not quite at the "full" time part; I was there with overtime after I had Benjamin though. I don't think I could ever do that again. I'm glad I recognize the signs now.

6. Throwing the Best! Birthday! Party! Ever!... to make up for all the days you couldn't even make dinner. This one made me cry. There have been -and still are- many nights that Jonathan makes dinner, or we just go out to eat. I haven't had much of an appetite the last few weeks, so I'm hardly eating. The birthday party thing though hits home hard. I want to give the kids lots of toys and let them do whatever they want because of how ill I've been. 

7. Having those days when even playing feels like too much work. I've never been good at playing with my kids, even while not depressed. I was good at coloring my own picture with them, or sitting with them while we each did our own thing, but I never have been good at playing with them.

8. Being depressed by the fact you need anti-depressants. I'm not ashamed of needing medication. I'm not more depressed by it either. I am SO GLAD that something can HELP me and I don't have to do much but swallow it. Thank you Lord for the gift of anti-depressants. 

9. Admitting your kids are the best and the worst thing for your sanity. At the moment, they are the worst. I want to get away from them all the time. I wasn't like this before I got pregnant with Benjamin. I'm not blaming Benjamin. I blame my dumb brain for not being able to do chemicals right haha. Someday, my babies (all of them) will be the best thing for my sanity. It's just not today.

10. Convincing people that 'me' time isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. I HATE being alone. I often ask Jonathan to go for a drive with all of us, just so the kids can't get into anything and I feel like I can breathe for a second, even if Emmalyn won't shut up. I do NEED me time. I hate it though. I fully believe that moms need "me" time. How would you ever have another rational thought if you didn't?

11. Worrying that your kids will inherit your mental illness. I have never worried about the kids inheriting my mental illness. My husband's family doesn't seem to have anything genetically like this. I really hope that they'll inherit parts of his logical thinking, and my parts of compassion and sensitivity. We will see, but I will teach them how to recognize the signs of mental illness, and let them know it isn't something to be ashamed about, or something to struggle alone with.

12. Correcting someone when they say you're a good parent. When people tell me I'm a good parent, I usually think "it's only because I'm a bad mom, and am really anal about every little thing at home". I don't correct people, I say thank you, and usually cry after they leave, but I feel bad later, when I have time to think.

13. Recognizing your depressive quirks…in your kids. Thankfully, I haven't noticed any yet. I have noticed the sensitivity, which is difficult (2 positives or norths on a magnet push each other away), but I'm trying to be more understanding.

14. Wishing to just be a regular mom. THIS is my thought every time I see a "regular" mom posting awesome stuff she's doing with or for her kids. It's my thought when I have really bad days. It's the thought I think most about parenting in general. I wish SO hard that I could've had someone else's issues (that aren't mental illnesses). I understand we all have our own trials, but dammit. Depression effing sucks. Depression is something you have to plan your entire life around. I'm not saying other people don't have difficult, life-altering issues. I'm focusing on me right now.

Someday, I'll get this all figured out. Thankfully, as far as family planning goes, I don't have to worry about getting pregnant for another few months HAHA. I also don't plan on having another baby until this one is at least 2 years old, so there's another 2 years I shouldn't worry about it (but I will because that's how I roll...).